Animal; 711 Jokes
DAD: How did you enjoy your school trip to the seaside, son?
FRED: OK, Dad, but a crab bit my toe.
DAD: Which one?
FRED: Dunno. All crabs look alike to me.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A man's car stalled on a country road one morning.
When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.
"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer.
The amazed man told the farmer his story.
"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.
"Yes, yes," the man replied.
"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
An big Elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake and asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"
"Why, yes we are", says the second.
Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes, we are very poisonous."
The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!!!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with ? "
Wife replied: " Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others !"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea!
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea!
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and is on fire?
Still no flaming idea!
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could jump high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
But he was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
The next day, a twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”
The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it's yours.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come, they are wild and wet. When they go, they take your house and car with them.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Customer: Do you have and cockroaches?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)