Search Results for 'Doctor'
Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Absolutely nothing!
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.
Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. "So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?"
The doctor says, "Son, we have some good news and some bad news."
"Yeah, what?" replies the patient.
"Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts."
"Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?"
"We put them under your pillow!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor.
“Doctor, you’ve got to help me!” he wailed.
“What seems to be the trouble?” asked the doctor.
“I keep having the same dream, night after night. There’s this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I can’t get it open.”
“What does the sign say?” asked the Doctor. “Pull,” said the patient.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said,
“Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”
“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
“May I see that prescription I just gave you? I d like to make a little change…”
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Jack: “My brother was sick and went to the doctor.” John: “Is he feeling better now?” Jack:
“No, he has a broken arm.” John: “How did he break it?” Jack:
“Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window.” John: “How did he break his arm?” Jack:
“He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription.”
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days".
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a very slight, very tight bikini strolled by.
The near-naked woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: “Hi there handsome. How are you doing?”
She then wiggled her backside and walked off.
“Who was that?” demanded the doctor’s wife.
“Err… Just a woman I met professionally,” replied the doctor.
“Oh yeah?!” snarled his wife, “Whose profession? Yours or hers?”
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam.
"Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes."
"So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?"
"What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient.
"My wife is a zebra.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
As I sit here I'm contemplating having a vasectomy, you know... the "removing" of your manhood. You know, it looks like a relatively simple procedure, heck I even asked if they had a do-it-yourself kit (true story). Afterall, $950 bucks for a 15 minute snip-snip is kinda excessive. At any rate, I won't be cutting on my balls anytime soon - but I do have some vasectomy jokes (more of a timeline of events) if you're in the same mood I am. We'll call him "Bill" and this is his story.
It's A Family Decision
VasectomyBill was at his family doctor for his annual physical exam. His doctor returned, filling out a bunch of stuff on his chart, and boasted "Your checkup went well, everything looks to be in order. Is there anything that you'd like to ask me?"
"Well," Bill mumbles, "Actually, I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked this over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 9 to 2."
Right After The Operation
Bill wakes up from a vasectomy and the doctor tells him he has good news and bad news. "The good news is we were able to save your testicles. The bad news is they're under your pillow."
What Really Happened To Bill
While doing the vasectomy, Bill's doctor slipped and cut off one of his testicles. In an effort to avoid a malpractice lawsuit, he replaced Bill's missing ball with an onion.
Two weeks later, Bill returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doc asked. "Pretty good, but I've had some strange side effects." "Like what?" the nervous doc asked anxiously. "Well, every time I pee my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hotdog stand, I get a hard-on."
Post-Op Final Check-Up
Six weeks after his vasectomy, Bill returns to his doctor for his scheduled semen test. The nurse hands him a little jar and points to a broom closet down the hall. After half an hour, he still hasn't come out - and a line is forming! So she puts her ear to the door to see if he is ok. All she can hear is lots of heavy breathing and grunting, so she goes back to her station and tells the other guys to wait their turn. Fifteen minutes later the guy finally comes out, red in the face and sweating. "I've tried everything," he says. "I've pulled it, I've twisted it, I've even pounded it on the sink, but I *still* can't open this damn jar!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Food quotes, quips, and thoughts . . .
"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson
"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen
"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck
"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin
"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." -- Enrico Caruso
"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older. You are just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered that the cake read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP.
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)