Humor; 1404 Jokes
Wee Hughie was dying.
Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, "Anything I can get you, Hughie?"
"No" He replied.
"You must have a last wish, Hughie?" asked his wife.
Faintly, came the answer. . . "A wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder would be nice"
"Ach, man... you can't have that" said Maggie, "You know it's for your funeral".
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out,
"What was all that about?" He replied,
"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Boy Monster: Is it still beating?
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time.
"That's a fine watch you got there!" says the other.
"Yeah it is, isn't it? I got it from my grandfather," says the guy with the watch. "Really?"
"Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says,
"Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now? Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: Twelve-thirty.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.
"Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"
"I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it.
No problem: the police waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check.Twice.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)