Computer; 96 Jokes
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon."
General Motors has issued a press release stating:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI
System Can't See It
DOS
Defective Operating System
BASICBill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM
I Blame Microsoft
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2
Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW
World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM
Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL
Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA
A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP
Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS
Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS
Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO
Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT
Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.
I was against it and an argument started.
I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.
He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"
And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
by Pak101.com (few years ago!)